I heard about the book when I fought Captain Viper.

The fanged bastard almost killed me with some experimental venom. But the symbiotic extraterrestrials that had colonized my heart pumped the poison out of my system in minutes.

“I’m not here for you,” he said as I squeezed the life out of him. For a moment, I felt like letting him go. But that moment passed. I killed him.

Anyway, he told me Doctor Fringe had hired him to find the book of Immortality. Supposedly, it gave the reader freedom from hunger, perfect vision, and immortality. I’m not sure about perfect vision, but immortality was a pretty good deal in our line of work. Alien colonists and vampire blood transfusions are great for life extensions, but immortality, oh, what I wouldn't give for that.

So I crashed Viper’s HQ.

On his wall I found a map to someplace called the train station of the dead. The landmarks to this station were very odd and I’d take a while getting to the place, but I’d find it.

The train left for a place called the Land of Red, in Fiction Pass, where I was supposed to fight some women. Phwah! Women were easy to beat.

And finally, I was supposed to battle a giant octopus.

Well, time to get started.

It took me a while to decode the landmarks, but I finally found myself at the train station of the dead. As soon as I entered the station though, the roof started crumbling down on me. I must have tripped some kind of alarm or trap.

I found a steam powered train engine, standing in the middle of the cave, ready to get me the hell out of there.

Convenient.

The coal, however, that powered the steam engine had to burn. That would take time.

Inconvenient.

It had enough water though, so I didn’t have to go looking for that.

Convenient.

I pushed the engine as far out of the cave as I could. It took a lot of effort and unfortunately, it was too late for me to notice the zombies that had crawled out of hell knows where.

They were on me in no time. I decapitated every last one of them, but one of them managed to bite me. It would take days for the infection to set in, so I continued. The book of immortality would take care of this.

I managed to get the engine running. Water boiled, steam shot through the engines, and I was off to the next location -- the Fiction Pass.

I don't know how long we were in the train, I don't even remember what happened next, but we were suddenly in the Jungle of Red in Fiction Pass. The train had stopped. I had to get off.

I got off the train and had barely taken ten steps, when the savage women of Red attacked.

I fought their entire tribe, not because the women make sweet love to you if you best them in combat, but because... well, I really wanted to rub nasties with the women. After hours and hours of fornicating, I collapsed on their soft bed, exhausted, and fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a massacre. The entire tribe had giant branches growing out of their mouths, their stomachs and their eyes. I had found the octopus, except it wasn’t an octopus, but a giant alien tree that was living in fiction.

The tree picked up one of the dead women, using massive roots, and it spoke to me. Using little roots and branches, it moved the woman’s mouth, it moved the tongue, the vocal chords, and the lungs, and it breathed the words out. "I have killed your imaginary women, and I would kill you too, but you do not belong here so I have no control over that which is real nor the madness you carry inside you."

I smiled. I was the only real person in all of Fiction Pass. This place was made up and being real gave me immense power. I was in absolute control, I was writing the story.

"The book of Immortality, take me to it." I said to the tree.

The tree tore a hole in story. “Leave,” it said, “and never come back.”

“Gladly,” I was tempted to burn the place down before leaving. The fucker had killed all the women, he needed to die. But I resisted the urge and left. Immortality was more important.

I stepped through the hole, into a depressing room. The lights were dim, there were no windows, and the place stank. I found bodies, lots and lots of bodies. There were men here before and they lay here as skeletons, covered in dust and cobwebs. How the hell did spiders get here? I found no marks on their bodies’ every single one of them seemed to have died of nothing.

But in the middle of the room, I found the book. The goddamned book of immortality. It was the only thing in the room not covered in dust.

I picked it up and read.

"You will be immortal" the book said to me. "You will feel no hunger and you will feel no thirst. You will feel no pain and no harm shall ever come to you. All you must do in return is keep reading. Stop, and you will die. Read and you will read forever. Immortality is now yours. Now, the book is over, return to the beginning and read again."

This? This was the book of immortality? I had to keep reading or die? No, this can’t be it. I had to-- of course, Doctor Fringe. It had to be him. The bastard had defeated me after all.

God dammit!

I suppose the good guys do win after all.